


Untitled Goose Statement

by kikiwrites



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Crack, Horrible Goose (Untitled Goose Game), M/M, No beta we kayak like Tim, Soulmate Goose of Enforcement, Soulmates, Untitled Goose Game References, different first meeting, goose in the archives what crimes will it commit, treated a little too seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:28:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27680729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kikiwrites/pseuds/kikiwrites
Summary: “Hey, sorry, you haven’t seen a goose have you?”Or: there's a goose that seems to really want Jon and Martin together
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 23
Kudos: 130





	Untitled Goose Statement

**Author's Note:**

> This popped into my brain and my friends made me do it, so my lovely friends, when you're reading this, know that I in some small part blame you for this being in the world now.
> 
> Lots of quotes taken direct from the liveshow with a uhhhh twist. Sure you'll never guess what.

“Statement ends.”

Jon pressed a few buttons to stop the recording. He sighed and let his head drop  
forward for a moment. He’d barely been working for an hour, why did he already feel like he could fall asleep on the spot?

His door flew open with a crack as the handle hit the wall. Jon nearly fell out of his seat.

“Hey, sorry, you haven’t seen a goose have you?”

Jon looked up at the flustered man now hovering in his doorway. His cheeks were flushed red like he’d been running, Judging from his quick breathing, that’s exactly what happened. He looked bundled up like he’d just been out in the cold too. The scarf looked just messy enough to be homemade.

And _Christ_ , he was handsome.

“I’m sorry what?” 

The man blushed a darker shade of red. “Um, a- a goose? A white one, pretty big for a normal goose?”

Jon’s brain was short-circuiting, half of his brain saying _pretty_ , the other half trying to remember what a goose looked like. “Like… a goose in general or-?”

“No- no like in the Archives?”

Finally, Jon’s stupid brain put together the events of the past five seconds. He put on his best _I definitely know what I’m doing_ voice. “Now why would there be a goose in the Archives?”

The Very Handsome Man stammered, “Oh, well I-”

“Who _are_ you?”

“Oh! I’m M- Martin, and I may have…” _Spit it out,_ Jon wanted to say. “Let it in?”

“What why?”

“Oh, well I didn’t mean to, you know, I- uh, I was coming in, and it started chasing me, so I ran in as fast as I could but it followed me-”

“Why were you coming into the Archive?” 

“Oh! I uh- I work here.”

“No you-”

_HONK_

Jon jumped and Martin skittered away from the doorframe. Now blocking his doorway was a goose. It looked at him, then swiveled its head to Martin, and back to Jon. Its beady eyes bored into him. 

_HONK_

Jon sputtered, “Well don’t just stand there, catch it!” 

The man- Martin, waved his hands at the unwelcome visitor. “I don’t know how to catch a goose!”

“Just grab it!”

“But then it’ll start flapping and it might hurt itself-”

“Oh for Christ’s sake-” Jon stormed around his desk and made to grab the goose, but it took off at an alarming speed, disappearing around the corner before Jon has a chance to process what had just happened. 

“Well come on!” Martin was already running, and it took Jon a moment to get his feet moving again. 

They turned the corner where the goose should’ve been, but there was no goose in sight. It must’ve found an open door to hide- could geese hide? It didn’t seem possible that a goose of all things could deliberately hide, but then again, what did he know about geese?

Martin swung into the break room where Tim and Sasha were in the middle of their lunch. Jon followed shortly behind, trying to conceal how out of breath he was. 

“Whoa there boss, you look like you ran a marathon or something,” Tim said.

“Ah- there’s a bit of a situation- a goose situation-”

Sasha nearly choked on her noodles. “A goose?”

“Yes, a _goose_ because _someone_ ,” Jon cut a glare at Martin, “managed to let one into the Archives!”

“Wait,” Tim said, “you’re telling me there’s a goose. _Loose_. In the Archives?”

Jon briefly pondered what decisions in his life could’ve possibly lead to this moment. “Yes, yes there’s a goose and we don’t know where it went, so if you wouldn’t mind, we could use a little help dealing with it?”

A moment later, Tim and Sasha were on their feet and scouring the halls with them. They split up into pairs because getting the offending goose out was clearly not a one-person job. Tim and Sasha went one way, Jon and Martin went the other. They checked everywhere from the assistants’ office to document storage. No goose. 

A few times, Jon could’ve sworn he heard the slapping of waddling feet behind him only to turn around to see nothing behind him. He definitely heard distant honks that he could never manage to trace down. And he definitely wasn’t distracted by the tint of red that never left Martin’s cheeks or trying to figure out if the scarf really was homemade-

A nearby honk stopped that train of thought. 

“That sounded like down the hall?” Martin said.

“The only room that way is my office.”

“Maybe it went back to the scene of the disappearance?” Martin suggested. “It wouldn’t think we’d look there any time soon, right?”

“You’re giving it too much credit, it’s a goose.”

“Didn’t you see the way it looked at us earlier? I don’t think you’re giving it _enough_ credit.”

They crept back down the hall. Jon went first, peering into his office. He just knew as soon as he rounded the corner of his desk, he’d get accosted with a HONK and wings flapping in his face. 

But no. No goose. Just what must’ve been a phantom honk. 

When they’d exhausted their options, they regrouped in the break room. Martin set to work making tea. Jon could practically feel the stress radiating off the man. _How incompetent do you have to be to accidentally let a goose into an academic institution?_ He thought. Then again, how dense did someone have to be to lose a goose in an Archive? 

Martin came around with cups of tea. His hand shook and dripped some onto the table in front of Jon. _Christ_ , it was not fair for this Martin to be so clumsy, stressed, and still absolutely gorgeous. Jon looked very intently at his tea. 

Tim cleared his throat. “So. We’ve looked everywhere, no goose. What now?”

“I guess call animal control?” Sasha said. 

“It’s already late in the day, what if they can’t make it out here?” Martin asked.

“Then I guess it becomes a problem for tomorrow,” Jon said. “Until then, we try to get as much work done as we can.” He couldn’t afford to lose any more time than he already had. The Archives were a disaster before the goose, and Elias was already on him about getting things in order. 

“Also, pardon me, Martin, was it?” Sasha asked. “Who are you exactly?”

“Oh! I guess I never said that did I? Crazy day and all. I’m Martin Blackwood. I’m one of the new archival assistants?”

Jon nearly choked on his tea. Surely that couldn’t be right, he had only requested Tim and Sasha. He’d never even seen this Martin around the Institute before, and he definitely would’ve noticed-

Oh. That meant. Jon was his boss. And he’d just spent half the day thinking about how handsome the man was. Oh, he was never going to be able to look Martin in the eyes, was he?

Jon cleared his throat. “I suppose I’ll go make some calls. Do try to get at least something done, we can’t afford to lose more time.”

……………………..

It was well past five when Jon decided he’d reached the limits of his productivity for the day. Another statement left him feeling more drained than the first. He hadn’t even made a dent on the pile of work he had left. What a disaster of a first day. At least if anyone thought him incompetent, it was because he’d spent the whole day chasing a still missing goose, not… well not the truth. 

He rose from his desk and felt his spine crack a little as he stretched. Everything would be fine in the morning. They’d all have a fresh, goose-free start. Him, Tim, Sasha, and… Martin apparently. He was not looking forward to facing Martin again. He’d just have to remind himself that the man had caused this disaster to begin with, and he could bury any other thoughts under annoyed thoughts. That would have to do. 

Jon had just picked up his bag when he saw it. The goose. Back in his doorway, beady eyes staring him down once again. 

“ _You,_ ” Jon grumbled.

_HONK_

Jon wasn’t sure what level of sentience geese possessed, but he was certain this goose hated him. He’d never had a creature stare at him with such ire. And it wasn’t budging.

Jon took a step to the side, hoping to edge around the goose. The goose sidestepped with him. Jon darted the other direction, but the goose was faster, blocking his path once again. 

_HONK_

“Why you absolute bastard.” 

There was certainly no one else left. No one else to call for help. Animal control was coming first thing in the morning. He couldn’t very well call one of his assistants to come all the way back to work to shoo off a goose. No. He was a competent Head Archivist who could handle things on his own. 

This was certainly not in the job description though. 

There was only one way out, Jon realized. He was going to have to run for it. Judging by the way the goose had run last time he’d charged at it, it would run off the moment it saw Jon as a threat. 

The way it stared at him, Jon did not think of himself as the threat in the room. 

_Here goes_ , he told himself, and he ran for it. 

The goose did exactly what he thought. The moment Jon crossed the doorway, the goose took off. 

After him. 

The thing was fast. Way faster than he ever thought a goose could be. It flapped its wings at him, honking mercilessly. Jon tried to run faster but it just matched his pace. Its eyes looked positively murderous. Jon never thought he had a fear of birds, but maybe, just maybe-

“Oof!”

He collided into a wall of… soft. A pair of arms wrapped around him before he could completely fall on his face. Behind him, the honking stopped. 

“Jon? Are you alright?”

Christ. 

Jon righted himself and looked up at Martin. He couldn’t quite catch his breath, because he’d just been sprinting from a goose, that was definitely the only factor there. For the first time that day, he felt warm. He hadn’t even realized how cold the Archives were. And Martin’s sweater was soft where he pressed against it- stop that. 

“Jon?” Martin asked again, and Jon realized he’d been staring. 

“Fine- I’m fine,” he stammered out. “The damn goose found me. Tried to trap me in my office, then chased me down the hall right to- well you know.” 

Martin chuckled, and how dare he have a nice laugh. “Maybe it just likes you?”

Jon shook his head. “What are you still doing here, the day ended an hour ago?”

“I just- I felt bad?” Martin took a step back, and it wasn’t until then that Jon realized neither of them had let go after he caught Jon from his near fall. “This whole mess was my fault, and you seemed awfully stressed about getting things organized, so I just thought I’d stay a little late, get a headstart on… well, everything we’re behind on?”

“Thank you. For that. You certainly aren’t obligated but. Thank you nonetheless.”

“It’s- ah- It’s nothing. Really.” Martin rocked back on his heels. “I should be getting home though and so should you. I can walk you to the train? Only if you’d like?”

“Well, if we’re both going there, it’d be a bit ridiculous not to walk together, don’t you think?”

“O-of course. Right then. Shall we-”

Martin broke off, staring over Jon’s shoulder. Jon followed his stare. In front of the door stood the goose, watching them with a much less murderous stare, almost like it was waiting to be let out. 

“I guess our friend here has had its fill of chaos for the day,” Martin said.

“I guess so.”

Jon pushed the door open and the goose waddled out. It turned back to look at Jon and Martin one last time, gave a resounding _HONK_ , and went on its way, looking quite pleased with itself.


End file.
